Depression and the Constant Fight

I wish I didn't suffer from depression.
I wish I didn't have to explain myself when I am depressed.
I wish my family would understand.
I wish people wouldn't say things like, "depression is self inflicted" or "you'll get over it."

You are right.  I will get over it- but getting to that point is the challenge.

I don't walk around with a grey cloud hovering over my head.  I am not a gloomy person.  I am sensitive.  This I know about myself- so I have been working on not having knee jerk reactions to things.

I have just been down more than I have been up for the last year.  That is a hard pill to swallow.  How do you tell your loved ones that you've been depressed for about a year off and on?  That sometimes the bouts of it are almost crippling and you can't explain it?  How can they understand it if you don't?

Where does it begin?  How to you pin point when you are depressed?  I don't know that answer either.  It isn't like one day you wake up, roll out of bed, and exclaim, "I am depressed! Help Me!".

The issue is- I don't want other people to help me.  I have always been extremely independent.  "I will do it." or "I can figure this out." are probably the two things I say or whisper internally to myself all the time.

I am not asking for a pity party here- I am just trying to be honest about depression in general.  I know everyone goes through it once in a while.  Things seem bleak or impossible. How do you escape the suffocation?
No, I would never hurt myself.  I would never hurt anyone else- physically- but does my depression hurt my family? I would say, yes.
My depression roars with mood swings.  Anger, frustration, infinite sadness- adding that to a small family isn't healthy.

Whenever I feel down in the dumps I tend to read and re-read this:

http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2011/10/adventures-in-depression.html

and the second part:

http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2013/05/depression-part-two.html

It logs my feelings perfectly.

After I had my son, I went through postpartum depression.  Though- if you asked me then- it wasn't me, it was you that had issues.  I was FINE.  I lied to myself constantly about my feelings.  How my husband was at fault for loving ME. haha Sitting here thinking about it all now- it makes no sense.  I was making my husband crazy bc he was trying to figure out ways to HELP me.  I wanted no help.  Especially from him.  You know, the person that understood and understands me best.  However, he still doesn't get depression or why it happens. As much as I love him- he is of the firm belief that depression is self inflicted. *gasp* - to an extent, he is right.

This year has just been emotionally up, down, and sideways.  We have had plenty of joyful moments- but at the same time, I am there, with depression whispering to me, "are you sure you really feel happy? Are you sure I can't rob you of some joy?" Most times, I can just turn away from it and be fine. Lately, I have not.

If you were to ask me to put a reason together of why I am depressed- I couldn't help you out.  I think that is what depression is.  It is nothingness.  It is black.  It absorbs everything good and filled with light from you. I can't narrow it down to one thing and when I say, "I've been stressed." or "I feel unappreciated." it just seems so trite.  or my favorite is, "I just feel sad." with the perfect response of, "why?!"  There is no one reason why.  It is a dog pile of reasons that just is.  When you break it down into individual pieces it seems completely trivial and manageable.  However, for the individual in the emotional blackness- it is just one more cement brick to weigh you down.

I think I will continue this at a later date.  I have life to keep me moving.  Which is a good thing- bc if I didn't have some sort of responsibilities I may just become a permanent fixture on my couch.