Itchy itchy

Mosquitoes. 

How I loathe thee. 

I've been on itchy hot mess all summer. It wouldn't be so bad if they were just bites. Mine swell. They get red. They're hot. Allergic much? 

And! I haven't been able to shave my legs most of the summer bc I've had over 35 bites on my legs alone. :( 

Dear Noah- why??

Feeling Blue

I have been sort of down in the dumps since we lost our baby. 

I am unhappy with my job. 

I am unhappy that I didnt get to hold a bundle of joy in May. 

I am unhappy that I am my own worst enemy. 

However- I think it is in times like these where you have to find the positive and good things that you do have. 

My job may not be the best- but at least I have one. 

My little boy and husband are the lights of my life and I look forward to being with them every day. 

I own my car. 

The sun is shining.

I really do have a great sense of humor. 

I can get along with anyone regardless of personal beliefs. 

I am strong in character, will, and heart. 

I am physically strong. 

I have friends that are like my family- and that is always a great thing. 

I have a little neighbor girl that adores learning new things. We are teaching her how to fingerpraint and use chalks. 

I can still play soccer with my son. Though- I am getting rusty. 

I am alive and I am capable of feeling a range of emotions- which keeps me grounded. 

I am loved and I get to reciprocate that love and really, isn't that what life is about? Loving your fellow man? 

I think so. 

Reflections while doing the laundry

II'm sure this will be the most important post you've never read.. 

We went to a wedding on Saturday. It was small. It was inexpensive. It was exactly what I think a wedding should be. Though, I'm not one for fanfare or attention. I prefer the behind the camera action as opposed to being in front of the lens. 

Anyhoot- 

My husband officiated. 

She wore a sundress and red chuck taylors. 

He wore a suit and a pink shirt and was approximately 6'8" tall- making my 6'4" husband look shrimpy. That was a first. 

Anyway- people cried. I do's were said. BBQ immediately followed photos. I brought my camera but I didn't snap any shots bc the photographer was a friend and well, I didn't want to whip out my set up. Toes didn't need to be stepped on and I didn't want to get in the way. 

Anyway- I've got crazy tan lines- well, let's be honest - burn lines. I don't tan right away anymore. Seeeeeee

Most attractive photo goes to..... Not me. :D notice the zit? I thought I'd be done with that at my age. Wrong! 

So- beautiful day. Beautiful wedding. Stopped off at a Starbucks on our way home. Sweet elixir of life. 

Got home- made crazy amounts of food for our family reunion. 

Eggs from our friends farm for deviled eggs. 

Cowboy caviar. 

Pasta salad. 

Then I slept for about 4 hours- got up went to church. And then off to the reunion. 

Cousins played. 

Man and boy swung on swings. 

We went home- I dropped those two nuts off at the roller skating rink. 

Simple things. It's about the simple things. I had one of the most enjoyable weekends I've had in a while and it was all based around simple joys. No frills. No $$$$$ spent- just family and fellowship. ❤️ life is good. 

Memorial Day Weekend

I am actually off this Saturday and Sunday. Both days are booked. Saturday there is a wedding. Sunday there is a family reunion. 

Everyone is getting together and celebrating this or that and I just sort of feel numb. 

My period was 5 days late. That was 5 days of hoping it would stay late for 36+ weeks. Heartbroken again. 

Maybe we aren't meant to have another mini Jackson. 

I'm not going to lie- I was slightly relieved with everything going on right now. However, it wouldn't be a bad thing to have a wee tot again. 

It hurts every time Boston asks me if he can have a brother or a sister. I just tell him to pray about it. 

I'm just sort of feeling empty. Funny how I had been fine until my due date just recently passed. Now, I was late and I'm NEVER late - just to have it show up and mock me. Well, at least it feels that way. 

I'm wondering if I'll ever get over this. 

I pretty much wonder daily what these last few weeks would've been like had we not miscarried. I wonder who you'd be. 

Meh. 

Thankful

I am continually humbled by my friends. They give without any expectation of receiving. They dig in and help when I need it most- physically or emotionally. 

I thank God for blessing me with such a great group of loving people. With out them, I'd surely be missing a piece of life that is so needed. 

❤️

Moving. Always moving.

I just want to say- if I never move again in my lifetime- it'll be great. 

Though, with my husbands chosen profession I don't see us not moving around. 

I'm surrounded by boxes, packing supplies, and a bittersweetness that I can't explain.

On top of moving my due date would've been in a short few days. I'm sort of emotionally trashed. 

So, here Is a photo to reflect on. 

God is light, and in him is no darkness at all. John 1:5

Always try to find the Light. 

Always Remember

Not all bad or forgotten

A long time ago- in a land far away, I was engaged before I met my husband. Gasp!

Most people who know me well already know this. It isn't a dark secret. It is not a completely bad memory. I accept it for what it is. I accept that the end of our relationship led us to not be friends. I understand it. Now, I'm sure the person I am today is not someone my ex would even want to hang out with. That's okay too. 

I am different than I was 11 years ago. I'm no longer vegan. I am an all or nothing kind of gal. Vegetarianism just seems like a grey area- so, it's meat and dairy or nothing. I got sick.  Very sick. My body stopped processing it's food. I ate a really well balanced vegan diet. I was no stranger to the kitchen or nutrition. My insides didn't care. So, I now eat meat. I'm much healthier. I'm not saying veganism is bad for you. Not at all. It was, after 9+ years, bad for me. So there's that. I'm sure he is still an angsty vegan with firm beliefs and stringent diet. I'm happy it worked for him. 

I'm also not afraid of my Christian upbringing and roots. I don't have a problem saying and believing in God. I did back then. I hid from my faith. Now as an even stronger and more independent human- I'm not ashamed of it. I am Christian. I believe in one God. Does this make me judgemental

- no. Those who like to argue for the sake of arguing would say so- but no. I believe the one way of fixing our sick and broken selves is to simply love one another like Christ would. It isn't up to me to judge you. I'm not perfect. 

Anyway- I'm just saying that fundamentally we are now polar opposites. However, I'm happy. I wasn't happy when he knew me. I was constantly searching for that happiness and I put that on him. I thought he was the source of my anger and sadness. I thought he should be the place I found happiness. Silly. Stubborn. Young. I know now- it wasn't his fault. I can think of bad times. I can think of arguments. I can think of times he hurt me or made me feel ashamed of myself. However, I forgive that. I also know he didn't make me feel one way or another. I did, though. I allowed myself to feel all of those things. I did nothing to change it for the better. Is it all my fault?! Heck to the no. It wasn't all his either. 

Anyway, the brain and heart just work in funny ways. I honestly hadn't thought about him in a really long time. Strange- bc we were bff's for about a decade no matter the health of that bff-ery. :) 

But, I was walking through target picking up 'essentials' bc you know you end up with weird impulse buys- but, I digress. I passed an endcap. It stopped me in my tracks. It had this as a feature: 

He used to love that cereal. It brought me straight to a memory of him drawing thumbs on those panda bears. If I had a marker in my pocket I would've put them on those pandas. I just chuckled. My husband looked at me like I was weird. No mistake that I am- but he couldn't figure out why I'd stopped and starting giggling. I told him. We both laughed about it. We moved on. It's times like that that bring to the forefront that all relationships have good memories. Even if the end was crash and burn/difficult or bittersweet. You just need to remember the good in people. Positivity trumps anything. How you choose to remember folks is on you. We aren't perfect. We aren't even all the same, thank goodness. Just try to remember and reflect on the positive aspects of those you aren't friends with anymore and speak the good. Hard to do nowadays- but, it's totally worth it. 

Home. Sick.

I don't care if you judge me. I don't care if you scoff and roll your eyes. 

When I'm sick- I watch the lord of the rings. The fellowship is my favorite. I've done this for as long as I can remember. 

I saw the movies several times in theatres. Then- the Starz network played them. I of course purchased them. 

They are still a source of joy for me. The lord of the rings was one of my favorite books growing up. I've read the three over and over. Fellowship again, always my favorite. 

So, as I sit here with a fever huddled under blankets on my couch- the end credits of fellowship rolling, I debate. Do I watch the two towers? 

Yes. Of course I do. There really was no debate, silly. Most likely, I'll fall asleep. That's ok. I always do. ❤️

Inspiration

I moved some stuff around in my kitchen. I turned around and saw this 

Instantly, I knew. I made chocolate chip cookies. This little scene made it next to impossible to not bake something. 

How's that for inspiration?!

Knitting project 2 started

If anyone knows me, they know I love to knit. Am I fast? Do I commit to projects that take me forever to finish? Absolutely. 

So, off I go again. I've told myself that I will have this finished by next winter. If it goes as well as I think it should I will commit making one for a friend. 

This is what I'll be making:

I promise myself that next winter this will be mine to wear. 

I ordered my yarn- lark, by quince & co in the color Iceland. It's just a soft heather grey. I wanted something neutral that would match my different winter coats. Quince & Co is a yarn company based in Maine. They make every yarn from US goods- so their products are made in the USA - completely. They have an amazing selection of yarn and colors. The nerd in me loves that the colors are 'nature' based names and all the different yarn weights are named after birds. :D 

Check them out : quinceandco.com

I got the pattern from another awesome favorote- purlbee.com by purl soho. I didn't go with their yarn bc I honestly did not want to spend $80+ on yarn that I wasn't sure about. I've never touched it or seen it before. When I went to Maine last summer- I got to see the quince&co yarns up close and personal. I fell in love but committed my money to the LL Bean home store. Anyone from the northeast knows how wicked important it is to buy your winter goods from LL Bean. ;)

Anyway- I will post my progress. 

-J

Snowy Morning

Hi.

It's been a while. This will be brief. Things are better than they were when I last posted. I have good days and I have terrible days- but I've learned to just sort of let myself go through the pain of loss instead of fighting it. 

One day at a time. 

God is Good and forever Faithful.