Most people who know me well already know this. It isn't a dark secret. It is not a completely bad memory. I accept it for what it is. I accept that the end of our relationship led us to not be friends. I understand it. Now, I'm sure the person I am today is not someone my ex would even want to hang out with. That's okay too.
I am different than I was 11 years ago. I'm no longer vegan. I am an all or nothing kind of gal. Vegetarianism just seems like a grey area- so, it's meat and dairy or nothing. I got sick. Very sick. My body stopped processing it's food. I ate a really well balanced vegan diet. I was no stranger to the kitchen or nutrition. My insides didn't care. So, I now eat meat. I'm much healthier. I'm not saying veganism is bad for you. Not at all. It was, after 9+ years, bad for me. So there's that. I'm sure he is still an angsty vegan with firm beliefs and stringent diet. I'm happy it worked for him.
I'm also not afraid of my Christian upbringing and roots. I don't have a problem saying and believing in God. I did back then. I hid from my faith. Now as an even stronger and more independent human- I'm not ashamed of it. I am Christian. I believe in one God. Does this make me judgemental
- no. Those who like to argue for the sake of arguing would say so- but no. I believe the one way of fixing our sick and broken selves is to simply love one another like Christ would. It isn't up to me to judge you. I'm not perfect.
Anyway- I'm just saying that fundamentally we are now polar opposites. However, I'm happy. I wasn't happy when he knew me. I was constantly searching for that happiness and I put that on him. I thought he was the source of my anger and sadness. I thought he should be the place I found happiness. Silly. Stubborn. Young. I know now- it wasn't his fault. I can think of bad times. I can think of arguments. I can think of times he hurt me or made me feel ashamed of myself. However, I forgive that. I also know he didn't make me feel one way or another. I did, though. I allowed myself to feel all of those things. I did nothing to change it for the better. Is it all my fault?! Heck to the no. It wasn't all his either.
Anyway, the brain and heart just work in funny ways. I honestly hadn't thought about him in a really long time. Strange- bc we were bff's for about a decade no matter the health of that bff-ery. :)
But, I was walking through target picking up 'essentials' bc you know you end up with weird impulse buys- but, I digress. I passed an endcap. It stopped me in my tracks. It had this as a feature:
He used to love that cereal. It brought me straight to a memory of him drawing thumbs on those panda bears. If I had a marker in my pocket I would've put them on those pandas. I just chuckled. My husband looked at me like I was weird. No mistake that I am- but he couldn't figure out why I'd stopped and starting giggling. I told him. We both laughed about it. We moved on. It's times like that that bring to the forefront that all relationships have good memories. Even if the end was crash and burn/difficult or bittersweet. You just need to remember the good in people. Positivity trumps anything. How you choose to remember folks is on you. We aren't perfect. We aren't even all the same, thank goodness. Just try to remember and reflect on the positive aspects of those you aren't friends with anymore and speak the good. Hard to do nowadays- but, it's totally worth it.
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