Kati Kati

I have a favorite coffee mug.  I got it in 2004 at a downtown starbucks when my parents visited Seattle in October.  I remember a lot.  This was a pretty difficult time in my life. I had made some fairly large decisions in recent months that have impacted my life to create who I am today.

I broke off an engagement to a person I had been with nearly 10 years. This is why my parents were in Seattle.  They had vacation time around my wedding date- why waste it?

I moved into a new apt with a new roomie after finding a new job.

I met my future husband.

I got this coffee mug as we were getting ready to take the underground tour of Seattle.  My dad loves history- so, this was on the list of to do's.

This mug is actually the color scheme of my non existent wedding- the outside is a nice smooth flat chocolate brown.  The inside is a nice glazed light pink.  The handle is the perfect shape and size.  The mug fits perfectly into my hand.  I remember thinking at the time that I should buy a set of 4- 2 with pink innards and 2 with baby blue innards.  I decided on just one.  It was a strange sense of being alone/independence.

I just thought- who am I going to have over for coffee?  It would just be my roomie and I- and at that point a guy I was dating.  My roomie had her own mugs.  I had my stuff.  My doting dater had his own place- and let's face it- I never made my own coffee.  I always went out for it.  I was single. I was well paid.  I had no real sense of responsibility to anyone but myself.  I was liberated and throwing money at a barista at least 3 times a day.  Americano, Mocha, Latte- blah blah blah.  I could slap myself for being so frivolous then.  If one could step 10 years backwards into time to back hand oneself- this would've been good to do... now.

Jenn now scolds Jenn back then.  However, there is a tinge of envy there.  It stares at me, leering like a cat waiting for you to wiggle your toe just one more time.  Frivolous.  I miss being frivolous just a little bit.  If I were to do it now- I'd feel guilty.  I don't 'waste' money anymore.  I don't buy myself lots of new shiny things anymore.  My entire focus is on my son.  Everything I do- is done for him.

Anyway-  this mug.  It is my absolute favorite mug.  It reminds me of a time I should have been wiser with my money- but just didn't care.  It reminds me of new beginnings.. and stories being completed.  The mug itself is a symbol of 10 years ago.  This mug is a reminder of how far I have come and how much my priorities have shifted.  I know to some people this is pure stupidity- but I don't care.  This mug is a piece of who I was-and it is perfect.  I love it.  I don't think about the mugs origins often- but when I do, when I sit and think about the things I have been through- this mug is my favorite reminder of a very confusing and selfish time.  Is it odd that I like it so much?  Is it odd that I can admit to being selfish and that I enjoyed it? I don't know.  I think being honest with yourself and your loved ones is one of the best thing you can do.

I admit it.  I am not perfect.

On this rainy evening I am sitting here drinking coffee out of this much adored mug.  I am drinking Kati Kati. It isn't my complete favorite- but it is up there in the top 5 coffees. It is sparking me to think of a time when things seemed so muddled and confusing.  Really, I just over complicated things on my own.  It was a simple time, really.

I wasn't in love with the person I was going to marry.
He wasn't in love with me. Though, I don't think he would agree with this statement. However, you don't treat people you love the way I had been.
I was hurt.  I was angry.  I was scared.
I had a realization that he and I were not meant to be.  We differed on so many levels.  I saw divorce in our future and we weren't even married yet.
Then came the admittance of infidelities. I. was. over. it.
I lost friends.  So, I guess they weren't really friends to begin with.
I lost weight. Rapidly.
I gained friends.
I gained weight.
I gained a husband that actually loves and cares for me completely.
I gained a son. The best gift I have ever been given.
I gained an understanding of self..

and all of this is realized when I drink coffee out of this coffee mug.

I am a better person than I was 10 years ago.  I am still learning and growing.  I now give myself some slack.  I made the right decisions.  I now look back at it all as a lesson.